My Greatest Fear Occurred.

Hello all! Today I will be writing about something a little serious. I made this blog to be transparent and really document my journey (highs and lows included). About a month a go, I had my annual well visit. I am blessed enough to be in good health except for one thing: my weight.


I know weight is a very sensitive topic and for me it always has been. Growing up I was always picked on because I was skinny but I held a noticeable amount of mid-section fat. I was also always picked on for my appetite during puberty. I also always was told “You are going to be fat”, on a regular basis. As strong of an individual as I considered myself I ignored people. However, I was always being compared to my younger sister who was blessed with solid genetics: fast metabolism, skinny, tiny waist, curves and tall. I, on the other hand have always been stuck at 5’1″, broad shoulders, skinny arms, and a thick torso/midsection. I think this may have had a small part in my insecurities, as I got older gaining weight became my biggest fear.

Anyways, fast forwarding to my first year of college I was determined to not gain the freshman fifteen. My college campus is extremely hilly, and takes about 30 minutes to power walk to class (most students on my campus lose weight because of these), so I would use this to my best advantage. I also went to the gym and exercised. I lost about 3 lbs and then I plateaued. Mind you, I was around 135-ish, so when one looks at me you could never tell because I am fairly thin. I did the best I could to make healthier choices, but I will admit my effort decreased as soon as I hit second semester, because I began to struggle emotionally. I began eating less while working out still.

Let’s fast forward again to July 2017 the summer after my freshman year of college. I am sitting in the waiting room of the doctor’s office already knowing what I would be told. The year before my physician told me to watch calories, because I was fat (in a jaded manner, of course). Turns out I gained 11 lbs. This time I saw a different physician and after she prodded and asked a couple questions I explained that I normally am eating around 1 meal a day thinking it could help me. She told me what I have basically done is shattered my metabolism and instead of losing that weight, my body went into starvation mode and I gained weight. “Your BMI is overweight”. I broke down crying on the table.

I feel extremely frustrated, and depressed. I put in so much work during the past year and to find out it was all in vain, and I was only hurting myself really hurts, especially when you deal with long-term physical insecurities. You think I would understand what I was doing, especially being an aspiring healthcare professional… Sadly, I do not understand metabolic processes that well and I plan on educating myself more on it, but I do understand it will take time to repair a damaged metabolism.

So why share this on my blog? It’s a part of my life and will be a part of my journey as I continue to move on. I hope to check in with another blog post with a weight loss story and I plan on leading a healthier lifestyle(I wasn’t living a sedentary lifestyle before). I hope to repair my metabolism as I have been doing more research on recovering from this. I have also been thinking over advice my physician provided me: Eat more (5-6 small meals a day). This is very strange to me because every time I eat I feel guilty…

I know it is not a Thoughful Thursday, but I wanted to discuss this topic before I return to school. I feel metabolic damage is an issue that people do not discuss and I have decided to share my struggle. I hope someone can benefit from this or better yet when I come back to read this I will be encouraged.

Thanks for reading!



8 thoughts on “My Greatest Fear Occurred.

  1. Maggie says:

    Ahh weight gain/loss is such a struggle for me!! When I was 13 and 14, I had some extra weight, which mainly hung on my face for those years (looking back at photos months and years later, I realized how unhappy I was with how I looked), then in 2015 I got sick two or three times in the winter and quit eating as much because I’d lost all of my appetite. I wear size 10-12 pants normally (at a good weight for my height), and at the time, I was happy because I was so skinny that I fit into size 8 pants. Looking back at pictures from that time in my life, I looked lanky and too skinny!! Sooo I’m either unhappy because I have a bit of extra weight (usually in my face or mid-section) or too little weight (my legs and arms did not have enough on them). I understand how you must be feeling. I really hope that you build up your metabolism soon!! Better things are to come 😊

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Elisabeth Schon says:

    My struggle right now with weight is that I’m going though a very emotional time so I’m only eating breakfast because I know your body does go into starvation mode if you don’t eat within an hour of waking up. But as the day goes on I get more and more depressed so I don’t feel like eating. Anyway as a part German girl I understand the struggle because I’m very big-boned. 😦

    Liked by 1 person

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